Linds is starting to open up in school - oh yeah, she started about three weeks ago and didn't want to go after her 2nd day of class. We're talking water works, clinging to me as if her life depended on it, and mommy feeling miserable these last few class day mornings. It's a good mix of play, creativity, structure, fun and learning and the teachers love the kiddos. It's difficult, though, for an only child who's not consistently around non-family to adjust to a half day schedule. Yesterday, a substitute aid in Linds' class encouraged and coaxed her to play with her classmates, and by all accounts, had a really good morning. My personal hope is that Ms Rita, Sandy and Gloria will continue to encourage her to open up and play with her classmates. People tell me it's good that we're starting now and not down the road; however, the current is hard.
Since last I wrote, another year has gone by. She's now two...going on threenager. Independent as all get out. Wants to do everything and loves loves loves being around B's family. So thankful that we made that choice for her. We had fun over the summer before Fall took over and our lives get a tad crazy.
Linds is starting to open up in school - oh yeah, she started about three weeks ago and didn't want to go after her 2nd day of class. We're talking water works, clinging to me as if her life depended on it, and mommy feeling miserable these last few class day mornings. It's a good mix of play, creativity, structure, fun and learning and the teachers love the kiddos. It's difficult, though, for an only child who's not consistently around non-family to adjust to a half day schedule. Yesterday, a substitute aid in Linds' class encouraged and coaxed her to play with her classmates, and by all accounts, had a really good morning. My personal hope is that Ms Rita, Sandy and Gloria will continue to encourage her to open up and play with her classmates. People tell me it's good that we're starting now and not down the road; however, the current is hard.
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Forgive the long lapse between posts and the length of this one.
This (almost) first year has taught me a lot....about babies/kiddos, about myself, and perhaps most importantly, about forgiveness. Forgiveness of self, forgiveness of others, and forgiveness of circumstances that are out of my control. When last I posted, she crawled on her hands and knees for the first time (at 7 mos). At that point, I was (admittedly) a little paranoid she would completely bypass crawling and go straight to walking (when everyone AND literature tells you they need to crawl for developmental reasons). Not two months later, she would walk on her own for the first time and teeth would come in. Forgiveness. She continues to amaze me how quickly she is growing and changing. "I urge you, therefore, to reaffirm you love for him" or in this case, myself as someone who wants the best for her kiddo. So, needless to say, her walk/crawling has been an adventure. She is sooo dad-gum quick these days, and its been crazy cool to see how she's finding her sea legs and explore her world in a new way. To see her take her first jaunts on hands and knees out of her room and into the den was one of the coolest moments in my life. Amazing how one little action causes so much pride...to see someone you love excel. I never thought I would feel that way about another person, let alone my OWN kid. I never thought I'd have my own kid. Brandon changed that, and I'm glad he did. I've loved chasing her on hands and knees and showing her how to move, and watching her and B or hearing about their games of chase. Prouder still, when she took her first tentative steps, and hasn't looked back. My kiddo, now, is alllll over the place (literally). Forgiveness...is waiting out a kiddo who fights sleep - cuz let's be honest - she's doing that too. Even when she's tired, she still wants to be around us (or just not go to bed). And it's sometimes difficult to get her down and quiet myself enough so as to not disturb her bedtime routine. Maybe a case of sleep regression too, IDK. I do know that sometimes, I want her to immediately fall asleep when her head hits my arm, but that almost never happens. LOL. But, the moment after she finishes her bottle, and I put her up on my shoulder...and she wraps her arms around my neck...my heart melts. As if to say, "I love you." And as much as I sometimes wish for (her and I and B) to sleep during the night, I love the moments when she briefly lays her head on my shoulder before we sit in the rocker. She holds my heart. Plain and simple. Forgiveness....is letting go of past events, recent and in the archives of my mind and soul. "If anyone has caused grief (read...pain), he has not so much grieved as he has grieved all of you to some extent - Not to put it too severely" (2 Cor 2:5). Long ago, the arrival of my sibs unconsciously started me on the path to forgiving my dad, but, like everything else in my life, it would take drastic circumstances to see the weight I'd been carrying is too much for a person. I speak, of course, of the weeks following Lind's birth and my subsequent hospital stay and the confusion that resulted in a gene I never knew existed. My heart is open and my soul is clear (at least on this front). On a related, yet different note, I'm just now working through forgiving and moving past the individual (and collectively an entire profession) that caused much angst and pain...my former OB/GYN. Ugh. Let's pause here a moment...I realize that not all people should be lumped for the actions of one, but in my heart, what she has done was grievous. In her inattentiveness for me as a patient.. and mother, she - I believe - caused the hypertension, which lead to all the events leading up to and after Linds' delivery. All that said, I know in my head I must forgive, in my heart and soul, it will be a while. But, a wise woman who read a book once told me, forgiveness is a decision and a process that must be daily repeated. Kind of like faith. While the circumstances were rough, I know know my own strength (and others) in adversity. I know a mother's love...mine and my mom's. I know I'll question more, but recognize that future doctors I have possess way more knowledge than I. But enough of the heavy stuff. With her, I've learned to speak more. Even if she can't form complete sentences yet, she can respond, and knows simple commands. She keeps both of us our toes, can be demanding (and frustrating) at times, but her milestones far outweigh those, if I'm honest. About a week ago, we were getting ready for bed and she pulled out a onesie off the shelf as if to say, 'This one, Mom.' Almost 11 mos, going on 3...or 13. Love, Mommy Bug My little roly poly tripod is becoming a cruiser. Yep, she hands and knees crawled on her own for the first time this afternoon!!
This is going to be a long one, so please indulge me. For the past few months, I've been processing the whole ordeal that happened in Aug/Sept. Much of it is free thought or short sentences. This is what I've come up with:
Sept 2-Sept 18 Induced on Aug 28 8 hours of labor, Epi given when I was dilated to 4 cm (stopped labor), pitocin given. Sped it up. Linds sitting sideways (Dr M&M said multiple times during office visits she was head down) & cervix swollen meant vag birth was a no go (which made me feel like a failure). Dr M&M didn't deliver - it was an on-call OB/GYN within the same practice. C-section was a terrifying experience...had to hold my arms out like I was on a cross (felt totally exposed). Felt every single cut & screamed out to stop as instructed (felt like I was ignored). My husband didn't come in until they had cut me (total opposite of what they said would happen). Felt ignored as a patient, and now angry at the gross negligence. Have chunks of memory gaps where I can't remember what happened after she was out. It wasn't the way her birth was supposed to play out. Released Labor Day Monday w/out BM, unable to keep anything down & throwing up 8-10 ml bile. Couldn't enjoy my new baby daughter. Sept 2, went into an e-care. Tried to call ob/gyn, no answer --> told to get suppository & go home. Decided to stay. PNG tube inserted and taken by ambulance to Kingwood Medical Center. Admitted as tachycardic & ileus to the surgical floor. Spent a week feeling like a medical experiment, not a patient. Some of the docs we were assigned wanted to only scatter shot treat. In particular, surgeon Kreit is a creep who kept insisting its ileus & not more serious. PNG tube taken out early first week (thanks to angel Nurse Beverly), Kriet wanted to put it back in - citing literature supporting it. Thought he was above the patient and family! Deferred to my Dad who introduced himself as a doc. Told mom he "just wanted to be her friend?!?" Looks down to patients, but put an MD, or letters behind your name and it's a different story! Makes my heart grieve, makes my blood boil at the lack of care. Part of that is during the 1st PNG tube, Kreit ordered a CT scan. XRay tech didn't know to put contrast down the PNG tube!! Was put instead in the IV line!! eedless to say, couldn't get a clear shot of the "free air" he said was in my abdomen. 4 CTs, 6 XRays, what feels like a million pricks later - I felt less cared for than when I was admitted. Part of that is the foreign national nurses - and the unshakable rule following of doctors' orders without regard to the wishes of the patient & not taking the time to explain it. Oh, and fire shut down the entire floor..in particular, the electricity...so no moving bed. Hard when you're basically an immobile patient whose was encouraged to move to get the bowels back to normal! Thank God for Dr Huff who moved us up the the TMU floor, the surgeon he found (who diagnosed the perforated bowel on the 4th CT), the alternate hospitalist, Dr. M, he brought in & the army of nurses like Jaimie who cared not only for me, but my entire family. Second surgery was 9/7 to repair perforated bowel, 1.5" resected large colon, appendix gone, abdomen full of puss, bile, feces - everything & anything imaginable. As well as the threat of uterus & tubes removed if former OB/GYN deemed them damaged. If you ask me, that's a horses&*^% excuse! She's no better than Kriet! She precipitated this whole thing by inducing & can't be bothered to deliver my daughter!?! THEN has the gall to take my ability to possibly have more kids to cover her A@#$#$%!?! & uses scare tactics to do it! She didn't know why a particular drug had been prescribed, anything regarding my 2nd surgery post-surgical care OR why the sky is blue?! Thank God my pre-Linds OB/GYN practices in Kingwood because after that, I have trust issues. <--The final kicker was Dr M&M, former OB/GYN, over-stepping Dr Huff, ordered a cardio-sonogram after Huff had cancelled it, she reordered it an hour later!! So, to add to the previously mentioned tests, we also add a leg doppler, heart sonogram, & head and neck scan & PIC line during the course of the second week because of the tachycardia that remained after the second surgery --> but the heart rate to to do also with with stress, being away from baby/family, and other factors. All tests came back normal --> HR went down and back to normal within a week of being home. The last straw after this nightmarish odyssey?? Learned after 3 weeks in hospital that I potentially carried a gene that could have affected the pregnancy, delivery, post-surgical complications, and going forward --> birth control and HRT. Why? Cuz an elder, my "father" who I'm supposed to respect, deemed it unnecessary to tell me/us he carried a non-clotting gene. Thankfully, I do NOT carry it as both parents are not carriers, but it will be a loooooooong time before I forget this. [....] I'm still pretty upset - he's caused emotional turmoil on top of the realization that I may not have survived either surgery. A work friend passed away from an aneurysm around the time I was on bed rest, so I had absolutely no idea until 3/7. Too many folks close to my family have died. I could have been another if it weren't for Dr Ambe. The most common triggers from Aug/Sept - going to the bathroom, believe it of not. It's stupid but those three weeks, I didn't think those functions would return. As I mentioned, this post has been several months in writing, mostly in chunks as I've been able mentally and time wise. I've felt all the feelings in the world possible, including numb and peaceful. It's been needed to get all this down, but emotionally, I wasn't ready to do it all in one sitting. Two blogs in one day is unusual for me, but the gap between Jan and now is flying...scratch that, has flown! Since the last entry, she's squirming on the couch, testing her balance for seconds at a time by letting go, and pulling toys off her center. She's also scooting and rocking, both on her own and with assistance. Her hand eyes coordination has developed more, but she's still very much in the grasping phase still. She loves to grasp at stuff, particularly bottles, and recognizes folks in photos. Probably the biggest change is she's starting to eat cereal more consistently, and trying new foods in the last three to four weeks. To date, she likes bananas & strawberry/banana in her cereal, bananas, peaches, pineapple, strawberries, sweet potatoes, minced up ground beef (3/5) and the sweetness of chocolate (3/5)! (note: No, we haven't fed her candy - just a lick off a sweet). The no go so far: squash. Too early in the season, anyway. Mommy Note: Participated in my first sale as a consignor in Feb. Had fun, made a bit of money, and donated my un sold items to an org that assists domestic abuse victims and their kiddos. I read five books on #WorldBookDay 2015. Part of me wishes selfishly they were all for fun-sies, but that was not the case. Three were for Linds, the first being a baby care book at 1 in the morning for care of a cold. The next two would come in almost rapid succession a full 13 hours later. That one was a recipe out of the baby food recipes book for dinner, and then, an Owlford story while getting her to rest for the 1,000th time last night. She took many small naps and didn't really stay down because she's stuffed up, poor dear.
My two personal books were catching up on the Lenten devotional on my phone. Whomever developed a Bible app is ok in my book since all mine are still packed. It's also so easy in our culture to disregard JC as our champion, who was ultimately scorned and foresaken, but who bore it all for us. That's not something to be taken lightly. I'm learning more and more what love like that is. The last book? Well, that's Midnight in Austenland, and I'm not sure that I like it as much as the first. It's good, don't get me wrong, the mystery coupled with the Austenian theme just doesn't jive with me. All I know is that I probably won't finish it. There's so many good books out there to read! Maybe someone else will like it better.
Someone recently asked me what it was like to be a mom. My gut response was challenging, but worth it. so let me expound on what it means to be Lindsey bug's mom. First, she is too smart for her own good... at only four months young. She knows how to manipulate you to pick her up, blurs the lines between hungry, sleepy and cranky, and is just generally a pill sometimes. She's developmentally ahead of infants her age, which I don't like cuz she's growing too quickly!! I fully expect her to roll over any day now. She's verbal to the point of conversation, blowing bubbles, and has definitely discovered her hands. And she's at a phase where all she wants is either parent at a time....and others that have previously held her are foreign and she cries. All that being said, I woukdnt miss it...these are phases of her growing up. Some ate noisy, some are not fun at all, but in the grand scheme of things, its totally worth it!!
Spoiler alert: Mommy post coming. Linds did alright (and that's on the conservative side) with new family members on Turkey Day. The morning was hard enough as she'd been fussy, but I somehow expected her to be ok. This was not the case...oh, she was ok if she was in B's or my arms, but put her down or give her to someone else and here come the waterworks.
I felt for folks who wanted to hold her, and after our morning, we also wanted a break. It just didnt come real easy. Aren't first holidays supposed to be magical, or am I as delusional still as I was at Halloween in the pumpkin patch? I was more stressed than anything else, and all I brought to dinner was the cranberry salad!! On a high note, she did enjoy the tree we put up while she was taking a nap yesterday (Black Friday). On the eve-eve of Lind's 12 week on Earth...I want to day that I'm amazed, proud, and humbled about how much she's grown and continues to grow. It truly doesn't seem possible. She's growing faster than I'd like, developing strength and is a continuous cuteness overload!
Her latest "thing" is airplane, where she's in the air on my feet (supervised, of course). If she wants to be a pilot someday, that's fine with me!! She's warming up to baths, can sit up with a little help, and sleeps the majority of the night. I'm personally thrilled with that last one! |
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July 2015
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